the holidays

are weird, you get that lonely feeling thinking about the past. BUT it's like what better way to spend the holidays with your loving family this is my second Christmas at home and i honestly have to say i loved it a lot. I know we don't have tons of gifts or even a tree like most families. The thought is what counts, i sit here and thank god for what he has given me, and what he has put me through. I have become stronger and still have a long long way to go. Our life is one big learning process its amazing not knowing where I will be at 5 years from now. I had the strength today!

a never ending parade

parade me in please.

i am nothing.
i have nothing.

i will only listen to you if you listen to me.
i am stuck in this frame, this film will end soon enough.

i have to get out soon.
i have to get out soon.


where are you now that i need you.

and in this day

we will find our solace
and in this day
we will find our meaning
and in this day
we will find why we are alive
and in this day
we will find who we are

feeling good

I'm freaking chill dude, things are really starting to roll for the band. God is in control, we have to get ready for the ride. The Experience of a lifetime. I told my job today about me leaving for two weeks for our tour, and I have to go straight up and talk with the big boss! Excited for that more than you know....SIKE! haha I'm outs kicking it with my family.

all of a sudden

people know how to do everything the right way, when before they never did it.
i dont know if will ever go anywhere in life, thats how i feel right now. maybe its because im not out and about as much as i was before. Its like what happened to me?

where

am I going? What am I going to do?

long day

went to the beach, had a good talk with josh on the way to franks house. I am so lost without you god there is really no way i can do this alone. I know better, I am nothing without you.  Lord I need your strength and keeping power. Help me when I am in need. I am listening to The Glorious Unseen right now. Lord i need you more and more each and everyday. Forgive me.

i opened up my bible

and this scripture was right there. Jeremiah 16:5-13

why dont you just give up.

is what i am telling myself right now. Why am I trying if all that ever seems to happen is the same thing, am i wrong for the way I feel? I am human just like everyone else. I want to move out and be on my own, it is like I have been on this same path the last 13 years. What makes this time any different? Still the same struggles just a different city, a different time. A normal life seems kind of nice right now, but then again would I really be very happy? Would things really be any different? It is like I am screaming in the middle of a forest for God to save me, and he can't hear me because of all the trees sheltering my voice. It feels like no one really knows how I feel right now, but then again of course people out there do right? I don't know why someone would drop it all to follow their one passion, even if it means struggling in every aspect of life. Here I am doing the same thing for myself it is not selfish at all. These dreams get put into our heart to follow and not let anything get in the way. So why should I be upset? I just want to give up on my family, music, band, god, work, anything that I enjoy and sacrifice my time for. It's like everyone else can do what they want, and then when it comes to me it is not the same story. I have to be perfect when I am not.

its crazy how

much one little thing can ruin your whole day or make it better. I had a very positive vibe today! It helped all kinds for me to get through my day. Friday we play modesto then saturday we go to madera! I watched old videos today of our old shows when we first started and oh my godddd haha we've come a very long way im excited for what god has in store for us. I love him tremendously. This weekend we are going to tear it apart. This is how I worship.

its crazy

how many bands there are nowadays and how many make it then right when they do, its all over. Its funny how so many bands also drag on their career when they/we know its all over already. haha I just want to get out of hollister and make this world my home. tour tour tour. i feel weird right now, i think i had one too many double cheeseburgers haha shiiiiiiiiiii

wrote a song today.

its weird how much of you gets put into a song, i wrote it on piano. How you really feel and where you are at in life comes out. I know i am not the most perfect christian, but i strive to be more and more like christ everyday. Mind you know i am still a human being who makes mistakes and battles with things that come my way, i want god to use me like he never has before. awaken.

not feeling very enthusiastic

i feel like giving up on everything, like living a normal life where i have a career and make decent money with benefits and all that junk. This is what comes in to my mind when i think too much about my current situation. I know god has something so much bigger in store for me than i know. I have to stay on track and know that i am doing what he wants me to do, and when the going gets tough just stick it out and fight through it because when i do that i become stronger and am ready for the next trial that i am supposed to take on. I know that through every situation that i go through there is a lesson to be learned, its amazing how that works when you think about it! I have been having this feeling that after our tour in january we are going to lead normal everyday lives anymore god is going to take us above and beyond what we see or dream of, our band is backed up by a god who through him all things are possible. I know that god is going to be revealed through us and our music, i believe even more than the bands that have paved the way. I say that in the most non-boastful way ever.

go to this show.

we need hekka people to go for us, if all goes well.
we will be able to play with our homies in MCMB

exhuasted

listening to creed its so back in the day, it reminds me of when i lived in san jose. I didnt have practice today took a 45 min. nap that didnt help at all. haha. I remember seeing creed live at the shorline it was awesome! I am so glad that i practiced my guitar today to a metronome it makes me feel good, good timing is the key to being a better guitar player. I have definitely come a long way but still have a long way to go, i love that i have been blessed with this gift/talent from God. I think about the past alot, it needs to get out of my life. Its one of those things that can hold your life down and not let you draw closer to God. I know God knows how i feel and how i see things he hears my prayers and my cries dont go unheard, I just have to fully surrender all that I am to him.

out all night

last night was so sick! All the bands we seen were amazing, definitely worth my 23 dollar ticket! We got to see joe which was sweet, we havent seen him since august. I am feeling good, tired but good. Practice tonight finally i am looking forward to it, gotta cut this short time for church!

long day.

finished up my guitar tracks in the studio today freakin finally. Did a listen through of all the songs and they sound amazing, better than i thought they were going to sound. As soon as i was done went straight back here to hollister to go to work. It was an awesome and eventful day presenting a reward to every student in our program. I headed home had dinner, left to the guys' church for their praise and worship concert series. It went great everything ran smoothly definitely lots of open young people who are looking for answers and are finding them in god. Is it wrong for me to be there are not at my parents church? I feel as if though the church i am a part of doesnt care about how we are doing out here in hollister. I mean obviously not if we are struggling, i just have alot of doubts as to why we a part of the ministry we are a part of. I dont know i feel good when i am with my brothers in all or nothing, we've built a brotherhood that is so tight nit and i feel good when i am side by side with my brothers and worshipping with them. The thing that gets me is it is not my church and i feel like i am abandoning my parents church and the fact that i should be helping them build there church bothers me. I honestly dont know what to do, god is trying to teach me something and im not knowing what it is just quite yet.

hard day today.

It stated off with things that happen at home, its not the best of times. It seemed like things were going fine and then bam we are troubled again. I am trying to figure why this is happening, actually what it is god is trying to show me through this situation. Its hard to stand strong but then again thats why many are called but few are chosen. My faith at times is so weak but i know if i preservere thing always work out the way that god wants them too. Then at work it was hard, working with kids from the inner city is not easy at all. These kids go through alot more than we can imagine at home, broken homes, single parents, divorces, and much much more. You build such an intense relationship with these kids, and when they are going through hard times you definitely feel the effects of it in the classroom. You have to be strong and know how to handle these things and learn from them and be prepared for the next time you are face with something like this. Though every situation will never be the same you'll be alot more experienced. Im tired and gotta record tomorrow not looking forward to it at all, almost done. God knows what he wants to do with this cd and how he wants to touch peoples lives through it.

the studio will kill us all.

The studio definitely brings out your imperfections as a guitar player, its bad enough already that i cant play the stuff i write. Go figures. The 5150 i was using crapped out its not my fault i rushed into using it before elijah could get it checked out, but then again would he really have got it checked out if it wouldnt have crapped out now. What if it went out at a show? either way things happen. I was stressed and frustrated some parts were to fast on drums for me to play my guitar to. Darts darts darts haha. I have to somehow convince ben to time stretch that part because the guitar part i play there really sucks now and doesnt sound the same. I got another 5150 to use just have to try and get the same tone out of it. Danny gave me some encouraging words via myspace which helped out alot. God is in full control of this situation.